Edging

My room is a mess

My head is a mess

I am a mess and

I don't know why do you even talk to me

I keep waiting for you to just go away

My psychic tells me I should take it slow

But I can't

I don't know how

I don't even know where to start

And I keep trying to but

It doesn't work

And my psyche tells me to be careful

Not to drown myself

To stay safe behind the line

Away from danger

Whatever the hell

That's supposed to mean

But this so said barrier doesn't even exist

It's a fairytale 

A lullaby I've been singing myself to sleep 

My entire life

And it's not working anymore

I haven't slept in months

I haven't slep in years

Safety isn't real anymore

I can feel it in my bones

And my psycho tells me

That if I'm already dead

There's no such thing as killing myself

It's just a matter of 

burying, burning, throwing on the sea,

tearing apart the rotting pieces,

Or better saying,

Taking a proper care of the meat.

I don't know why should I get scared

Of the living things

or unliving ones

If it's eternity my one true fear

The steps and voices,

crawling up a wall,

being threatened,

being yelled at,

tortured, physically, mentally, emotionally,

(death is truly my favorite)

being fucked, and hurt, terrified,

is nothing compared 

to the pain of being alive.