unos cuantos piquetitos

E se eu rancasse um filete de mim

Quando sentisse tédio?

Eu ligo o ventilador 

Num frio congelante

Visto três peças de roupa

E uma coberta

Eu passo um dia 

Enforcando meus pulsos

Como se não fosse nada

E ninguém percebe

Me encoleiro como antigamente

Por uma ou duas horas

Pra respirar melhor

E deixo que minha coluna se torça

E retorça, até quase arrebente

Porque acho que meu corpo

Já não tem valor ou utilidade

Eu bebo até que meu coração

Ameace infarte

Até que eu não consiga ficar de pé

Por excesso de cafeína

Porque meu fígado e rins

Pedem clemência

Eu não sinto pena

De minhas células que sufocam

Apavoradas

Eu sinto que é hora de filetá-las

De separá-las umas das outras

De dizer adeus

À paz que eu fingia ter

Esse grande abismo que é existir

A falta de tudo

De significado que preencha os nomes

Das coisas diversas que existem

Ao meu redor

O anti-ser da existência vazia

A fome

De vida, de comida, de sabe deus o quê

Eu tento encontrar alimento

Nutriente, concreto

Qualquer coisa que preencha a barriga

Eu tento comer o vento

Fechar os olhos

Tentar aguentar o nada que me atinge 

Eu tento fazer silêncio

Colar os lábios

Escutar o ruído branco

Sentir o cinza

Mas eu me pergunto

Se vale o esforço

Se valho eu

Se existe futuro

Eu engulo minhas pílulas

Fingindo esperança

Performando alguém

Que nem sei quem é

Eu apago a luz

E agradeço

Por congelar meus ossos

Por respirar entre quatro paredes

Por me afogar

No mar de panos

Que não me aquece

Mirror

I like my eyes

Even when they're deep and stained

From the lack of sleep;

My lips are okay,

I guess I can give great kisses

It makes up for how loud they are;

I hate my nose

But I can't just rip it away

From my face;

And I hate my chin 

And how it seems misplaced

Most of the time;

I love my scars,

And the hideful stories behind them;

Feels like I'm proud to have been torn apart

For the audience amusement;

But I hate my skin

For scarring itself 

Attempting to scare the crowd away;

I hate my back for everything it puts me through,

Even though it's probably her that should hate me

In return;

I hate my hips 

For calling me names way before

I was even able to give it some truth;

And my chest for giving up on me

More frequently than it should,

But I guess that's also my fault;

My hair is a mess

That weights over my brain

Until I get migraines

And there are other pieces 

Of me

That I'd be willing to give away,

To rebuild from scratch,

To cut out of me,

But it is as they say

You are born with one body

To take care of or 

To destroy,

But it will still be yours,

And you will be forced to carry it around

I want half of me.

The rest is disposable.

Like my memories,

That I wish to erase

Or to rescue from the endless pit

My body was supposed to be mine

But I don't recognize it

I can't even look at it

If not through a broken screen.

Syrup

I'm so fucking easy

I have to be

Anything for the dopamine

Serotonin, adrenaline 

Anything for the thrill 

Of being alive

To convince me that I am alive

Any dumb sentence

Turns into a pill for me

That crush into dust and sniff in

Or inject in my veins 

An intravenous sort of medicine

That kills me as much as keep me here

I could count the endless methods

List my go-to' s

Expect you to pity me

But instead I'll try to put some words

On a page

And hope for them to hug me while I sleep

I have dark plans,

Foggy thoughts, deep wishes

I'm scared of dreaming

And of being awake

No one will get it,

I'm a fraud

An echo of myself

Someone I never met

Or mean to

Sonífero

Sua risada ecoa em meus ouvidos

Eu sinto você brincando com minha cabeça

Me sinto um brinquedo na sua mão

Um objeto

Mas um objeto do seu entretenimento 

Você parece feliz

Irritado

Mas feliz

Algo na ideia de descontar o que te aflige

Na minha pele

E nos escombros da minha mente

Te delicia

E eu ouço isso na sua risada

Você quer ter raiva de mim

E me amar assim

E eu quero sentir o seu amor.

Creio que não seja a única maneira

Não sei o que te passa na cabeça

Quando você anota a minha idade

Ou me observa existir e me avalia

Me sinto uma modelo em passarela

Exposta às críticas mais selvagens

Admirada e invejada por muitos

Desprezada e idolatrada ao mesmo tempo

Idealizada, uma fantasia de quem eu sou

Mas meu sonho é ser um sonho

Então eu acho que isso faz sentido

A não ser, é claro, que você esteja mentindo pra mim

Porque nós dois sabemos o quanto eu quero essas mentiras

Se você for uma víbora vai dizer que eu pedi por isso

Porque com meus dois olhos eu te encarei pedinte

Implorando por uma ilusão

Eu sinto sono

Será que vai vir mais um sonho?

Quero sonhar contigo

Sinto sua falta em minutos

Não quero ser insuportável

Ele está tentando me machucar

Estou dissociativa

Esse texto não faz mais sentido

Meus olhos pesam sobre o palco de meu rosto

Acho que você está confuso também

Tudo bem

Pra mim tanto faz

Mentira

Eu quero q vc diga que gosta de mim

Que me ama

Que quer meus beijos antes de dormir.

Tummy Ache Survivor

My fingertips are purple

My lips are white

I force myself to cum

So I can cry

I burn and freeze myself

So I can feel alive

My thumb is bleeding

And I pretend not to know

How that ended up happening

But that's classic me, ain't it?

Why do I keep torturing me like that?

Why am I always the one to blame

For every little pain

My stomach aches

I feel like I'm dying

My forehead fevers

And I lay my neck on ice

I try to freeze myself from the inside

But it doesn't work

I fill my mouth hole

With a bunch of pills

Desperate

Begging for it to stop

Is not as much about the pain

As it is for the fear and humiliation 

For the panic of feeling dirty

Of feeling homeless

Of the guilt that's physically eating me up

What did I do wrong this time?

What did I do wrong this time?

Where did I do wrong this time?

Why the fuck am I being PUNISHED?!

Why was I left alone to die

Since I was 10

Why is there no hope to ever feel loved

Taken care of

Why will no one ever listen

To whatever obvious shit I have to say

Why do they never care?

I drown in questions

As always 

I drown in pain

In concrete

I try everything I can

To make it stop

Like a goddamn maniac

Please just hate me

I hate breeding hope

Like a sort of trashy weed tea

I hate watching myself running against the cars

Over and over

Over and over

And with the expectation to be under

To be no more

To be nothing but a pile of flash

Dropping blood on the asphalt 

Messing up the transit

Fucking everyone's lives

But for the last time

Valentine

I think I need a new toy

I've been wasting nights up

And harassing my pillows before passing out

I crave you in a way

I cannot explain

I wonder if my medication is doing this to me

Or if it's you

If it's your voice that takes charge of my 

Stupid woman brain

Or if are your crumbles of affection

That you handfeed me

Every fucking night

I have been touching myself every single day

My body is aching of so much cum

And I have been dreaming over you 

I don't even know you 

Who the fuck are you, anyway?

I can sense that you want to fuck me

And I like it

And somewhat I like even more 

The fact that you don't talk about it

It's the anticipation, as I've told you

I see myself heading to your house 

Your hands on my neck

On the back of my hair

Slapping my body 

Navigating inside of me

I can't stop thinking about it

All the time

All the time

My heart beats fast as a hummingbird 

Flapping its wings in my chest

Threwing blood all over my insides 

My body is a competition track

I feel them running in my veins

You are making me insane

I cannot tell you about it

I wanna yell that I love you

But I know it's not true

Not yet

That's not what love means

But I FEEL it

I don't want it to end

I wanna eat you up

That time I fell in love and never got over it

Was exactly like that

It never made sense to me

I guess actual love is what we make of it

But falling in love... is insane,

Maybe even expected to be

I like you

I wanna hold you, kiss you, fuck you

I wanna sleep with you, cook meals with you

Go out to dance with you, dance for you

I wanna cum for you, and smile for you

And make my world fucking run again 

Just to show you around

Maybe I'm so tired, desperate, needy, abandoned

Maybe I wanted to bad to take care of myself

And was only hoping for someone to listen to me

For a change

I asked for you

I made a wish on a goddamn star

Please be mine

I wanna be yours,

I barely saw your face

I guess this is a prove that one can be

Both autistic and borderline

Because that's literally all that makes sense to me righ now

Give me a fucking kiss

And save me from myself

Meet me in my dreams tonight, once more 

Hold me really tight

Until I can no longer breathe

Like a giant snake

Crushing my bones

I wanna feel loved like that

And I know you can do it

I don't know you

But I feel every breath you take

Magnet

My heart is beating like I'm eleven

I wanna jump into your arms

But I don't know you

The unknown has always seemed 

So tempting 

So magnetic 

Since I can remember

And I've had many many strangers in the past

I don't know what is it about you

I try to math on it

To measure and isolate the factors

What makes you look so pretty

What makes me tachycardic

What kind of poison do you have to offer

And if I'm ready to drink it

Like a glass of water in the desert