I'm not her, I wasn't born

When I first opened my eyes

I looked at you,

And you passed out

I wonder if it was right then

That you figured out, 

I was sent to be the end of you

You shot me in the dark

I tried to hold your hand

And ask you for help

Hoping that you'd hold me tight 

But you pulled the trigger instead.

You look at me

Like I'm not supposed to be

Like it's me vs you

But I didn't come, only to become

The hug of a coffin

And the dirt that'll cover up your grave.

I wasn't born as a fire

To burn you to ashes,

And weight you into the depths of the ocean

When I opened my eyes

Yet before I was blind

I tried to love you

But you loved the idea of death

Way too much, 

To let me be

Anyone else.

If I ever was

If I ever were to kill myself

I wouldn't tell you

I wouldn't write a letter

I wouldn't say goodbye

I would just 

Vanish

And hope that you'd forget

I ever was

Mirror, mirror, anyone but yours

I'm happy when you're gone

But then 

I'm scared you won't come back

I ask myself, am I afraid 

To lose your loveless love?

Or that you might

Drag me with you 

Into your grave?

It could be both

You hear my silence

And you shoot me back

Like it's a big offense

You hit me with opinions,

Opinions and more opinions

Like I'd care, like

I wouldn't 

Nothing very rational,

It's all just vibes 

— God,

I hate your fucking vibes —

You smell of carbon monoxide

For reference, it doesn't;

But that's exactly

What will kill you.

I come around, sweet and fluffy

Like that pillow you end up kicking

To the floor

Because you never use

And it's taking up space

And yet,

It emanates its past,

Proving you wrong.

You build a wall,

One minute, easy to assemble 

I know it took a while

But you nailed it,

You found a way to build a fucking wall

But only when I try to reach you.

A masterpiece of abandonment, 

One could say.

Resourceful, even.

I sit, mouth open

I wait for directions

Arf, arf

Opinions,

I expect,

But silence.

Dead silence, 

I mean,

You move your arm,

Small gesture

Showing me the invisible

Glass, I fail to notice on my own,

(While it's built with intention;)

And then you close the window.

I think, 

What am I doing here?

What's my purpose?

Why do I feel at fault

For something I'm not even sure that happened

Why am I standing, watching the silence

The invisible,

Tasting my life 

Dripping through my tongue

Wetting the floor

Waiting for me to slip, 

and crack my head wide open,

Finally.

Why do I live, if not to die?

You cry,

It hurts my ears

I try to cover them up

Someone demands me to listen

After all,

You need your body-double

Again, 

I am expected

To reflect you, as a blank canvas

I'm nothing but refraction

And light doesn't speak.

I am supposed to disarm

The bomb you raised

To become

I am the bomb you've raised to become

But I'm supposed to disarm it

Do you see where I'm going?

There's no exit

There's no "out"

There's no me

Just vibes

Horrible fucking vibes.

I never meant for you to starve

Hoje é dia de polícia e ladrão

I'll let you out of the cage,

But if you run, I'll hunt you down

Eu não gosto de ser policial

But I need to keep us safe

Still, you deserve some sun

And you deserve some cake

Mother's day is coming, 

Happy birthday,

I'm still trying my best

Mesmo sendo obrigado

A ser o carcereiro.

Thankful

I wish I could be thankful

But you made it so hard for me

How could I thank someone

Who puts their life in danger

Choosingly, and repeatedly

And blames it on me?

I never asked for any of this

You chose for yourself

And for me

You chose for us both

To die.

Bees can fly

Don't tell my mom, 

but my bee is dirty.

Don't tell my friends, 

but my bee is dirty. 

You don't need to tell, 

hide it from your pals,

You don't need to shout out 

"her bee is dirty!"

Don't tell your stepdad, 

much less his daughter

You don't need to bother

About whose bee's dirty

Please, don't tell your wife,

Your shrink or some guy

Delete it from your drive

If you wrote about it.

Keep it safe and sound,

Never talk about,

Don't ever confess

About it being dirty.

Take it to the ground,

When they cry around,

And never recall

You forgot about it.

As for me, I won't 

Ever tell someone

Not even myself

But my bee is dirty.

The Being (english version)

I wish I knew

Where does it come from

And why does it come

If I sowed myself with so much care

To be someone I would love to admire

If it's born from the depths of my heart

Or from the shadow behind my desires

And if, despite having watered myself

Day in and day out

Or if, because I nourished myself so well

In the face of the mercilessness of time;

I wish I understood 

If I am or if I pretend

If I create and nurture

This being that roars, sickening

Extinguishing the light behind my eyes

And putting something in its place;

If it is natural or heinous,

If it comes with me,

If I picked it on the road,

If it's despair or something missing,

If it's me drowning or the absence,

If I gave it life,

If I was stolen from it,

If I composed it, atom by atom

If it echoes from a dream,

With intention and future,

If it's an accident, or just bad planning

If it determines me,

Or merely coincides;

I try to dig into it,

But I'm frightened,

That the search itself

Will end up feeding it,

I'm scared it'll grow

And collapse me,

I'm afraid that it'll become

A natural disaster,

Or the kind of thing

That keeps me awake at night;

That it makes me human;

I'm afraid

That it might bring me life,

It could become a habit,

It could end up replacing me;

Because it scares me how much I want it,

That if they did it, it would petrify me

I wish I knew

Where it rises from,

In which color and hunger,

Which first particle, 

What makes it a living thing,

In the face of objects;

What is the first force of its will;

And if I knew it,

If I would have the hands to uproot it,

If I could endure the tearing of its roots,

If it would be embedded in my neurons:

If it would bring me death;

And if aware

Of the choice that is now mine,

If I would choose

To surrender

To it,

If I would choose the world

Or if I'd choose myself.

Love you

I don't remember why I love you

I don't remember how or when

I don't remember who

But I do

Remember that I do

Glass Dagger [♪]

I made myself a scar

Because I had a wound,

And it was painful —

A stab in the center of my chest,

Ugly, dirty, infected.

I tried to open it,

Sort the shards out,

Clean myself inside.

I picked up my skin

Like it was spikes of a porcupine

Or horns of a cactus —

Something that

Was not supposed to be there.

I guess I'm not a plant, nor an animal,

But my whole existence feels

Like a mistake,

Like I'm not supposed to be here.

I tried to paint myself —

The pain among the art,

Over my vesture.

I made a gesture

To my inner shadow

To let them know that I'm aware.

I made myself a wound,

And it was painful,

But the wound I had before

Was aching further.

So I had to move my claws

And do something about it.

Vivid Raptile [adapted] ♪

I have to lower my blood pressure so I can stand you inside my house

Inside my walls, under my sheets

Inside my clothes,

And thoughts

Like a parasite,

The way you used to call me

And I still believe it

But then again, 

I have no other source.

I have to pour down one of my drinks

Swallow

With my clogged throat,

And still try to empathize;

While holding my knife

Close to my hips

Against my chest

As if I were trying to tear myself apart

From the inside

I guess my heart isn't as spiky

As my skin,

And it shows

From my voice tone

From the way I move

For the way I breathe

Trying not to steal your air

Suffocating beneath you

Buried six feet

Under concrete;

I guess I never realized

The cage I live in is self made 

I made it all out of walls

So I could not escape 

'Cause I'm a snake

And who knows who I may bite

Once I manage to get out.

(Chorus:

I have been digging myself

To keep you alive

I have been crushing my toes 

So that you could walk

I have been talking myself

Outside of each fight

I did it all for you, to watch you thrive)

I try to choke

I try to hibernate

Simulate deaths

Virtual Reality trips

I try not to be awake

Or aware that you're a real person

While I silently point all of my fingers at you

And pray to god that you stay being my devil

Otherwise I would have to blame myself

And I'm barely alive

Or maybe I'm just saying that

Because you freak me out

And I don't want your rage to reach mine

(Chorus: 

I know if feels wrong

But I watch you try

From an outside view

Think I'm not alive

I've done it all for you

To see you smile

And I can't help you

More than I have done so far)

I stuff my mouth with pills

Hope it works fast

Set myself on fire

Freeze to an ice stone

It's been long since I've been around

Since I've been out of sight

But that's the only thing

That's keeping me alive.

(Chorus: 

I have nothing left

For you to tear apart

I gave you all I had

This is the last time

I put my heart on you

Hoping that you'd shine

But I have fallen now

Leave candles at my shrine)

Leave The Party ♪

I have been spending my whole life

Trying to be good enough

I slit my wrists I drank too much

But I was not even there

You said you two were going out and I was not invited

I smoked a pack of cigarettes trying to forget about it

(Chorus)

Uuuh when will you realize

That I've been here all the time

I've been alone by your side

Uuuh I think now you've realized,

That I'm still sitting on my own

But now I want to leave the party

I've tried to play all of your games

You hurt me, I never complained

I hurt you back, was it okay?

That's what you two used to teach me.

I only wanted to be friends

But you both forgot about me

I tried to hurt myself and laugh

Now I want to forget about it

(Chorus)

Uuuuh and I just want to leave the party

Uuuuh oh I just want to leave this party

Uuuh I want to forget about you

Uuuuh Mom, can I please just leave the party?

Air

Your health is leaking.

I place my hands together, 

Try to hold it,

While it escapes from me

Like a breeze on butterfly wings.

I think of you,

I do my best to skip some thoughts,

I have to silence myself 

So I can be enough;

So I can do all I have to do.

I dig my feet on the ground:

Roots to keep me from falling,

Your breeze is getting stronger

And I have been greeted 

By previous hurricanes.

I have to nail down the drawers

So they stay in place,

Time is a blessing that evades me –

I hope my shelter stays still,

And I pray for your breath 

To keep coming.

I try to indulge myself,

Pull me from the cage.

I have to create time gaps,

So I can swallow it all.

It tastes bitter,

But I grew used to it.

My mind comes in waves

And so does your weather,

I'm trying my best to guess it;

But I'm not a meteorologist.

29

You made me hate all of my bits.

He made me hate my smell

And how hungry I felt,

Until starving felt correct

And eating was a privilege

I didn’t get to have.

You two made me hate my showers

And brushing my teeth.

And it seemed

Like the worse it felt,

The happier you'd be.

Neither took the time —

Or wasted it —

To teach me how to tolerate myself,

Or all the feelings that I held

Dead silent in my stomach,

Until I was no longer a person.

You made me hate my hair

And taught me that destroying it

Was for the best — except

If it was my idea,

Then it was trash.

I was trash.

You taught me that.

You never liked my colors,

Always despised my clothes —

Not because of them, but

Because I was dressing them.

And I was the ugly duck,

Even if I was the only duck.

Even so, you preferred him —

Who wasn’t there —

And ignored my every effort

To make you happy.

I was bad, evil, mean, whatever.

I didn’t stand a chance.

And still I loved you three.

He called me dumb

Uncountable times.

He never listened

Until I screamed —

And then you called me “too loud,”

As if you weren’t

Selfish, as if you weren’t

Abusive, as if

You didn’t shut me down

Or mock me since I was four,

As if you didn’t force me

To be more —

And try, and try,

Until I got sick.

Then you blamed me for being sick.

And when I hated myself,

And had spent twenty years

Fixing both of you,

You two smiled

And told me I was loved

Very, very much.

But you were thirty years late.

Now I hate you back.

Water 2 (tradução)

O que é água, 

Na ausência de sombra 

E de um canto estreito?

O que é água, 

Sem uma direção 

À qual sorrir, ou 

Um calor humano?

O que é água, 

Sem as risadas 

E os pingos 

Desabando em mim?

O que é água, 

Sem estes lábios 

Que me afogam em mim?

O que é água, 

Sem fios de cabelo 

Escorrendo pretos em meus olhos,

Sem um par de pés 

Para pisar nos meus, 

Sem mãos

Pra me alcançar as costas, 

Sem dois braços 

Para me enlaçar?

O que sou eu, 

Senão uma gota d'água 

Sem você?

Cry

I could go for any kind of love

If you dare

If you might

I can sense my heartbeats

Getting hotter

Boiling blood

All over me

I could go for any drops

A light breeze

Drowning me

I want you to give me compliments,

For free

Attention, time

Just for a day

I won't keep bothering you

I won't keep you busy for long

I need some fucking time

To be taken care of

And the price I'll pay is high

I won't even force you

To read this verse

You see? 

It doesn't cost you much

And it will be worth it

I promise

I'm in for anything

You can take at least an year from me

For a day,

I think it's a great deal

For you, at least

That can go for anyone

Anyone

I'm so fucking alone

Deep Ink

I don't wanna tell you,

But I'm thinking of you

You, naked in my bed

Fulfilling my desires

Indulging my demands

Doing your best work

Just to make me happy

I'm thinking of you

Of three of you

Each one performing 

One of my fantasies

Simultaneously,

Oh god, how I miss

My dreams about you.

I'm terrible at keeping secrets

But there's this one line

Of a movie scene

That keeps playing in my mind

"The secret ingredient of sex..."

And I don't wanna tell you

In fact, I really want to

But I'm scared that

It might not be real

And if it is,

What would I 

Be supposed to do,

With you on my hands?

I want you,

Outpouring my fingers,

Yearning for me

Craving my mind 

And soul

Begging it to become 

Yours

I'll shut my mouth

But my thoughts are stronger

Wider, taller

Thicker

I think of you

And cry for mercy

I wanna own you

I wanna take a walk

Over your body

I want you to be my carpet

And the neon painting

Of my nails

I wanna snort you,

Consume you,

Remind myself

Of an old feeling,

An old being, 

A forgotten couple

Buried below

Our forgetfulness  

  

I crave you

I think of you

I know these thoughts and 

This emptiness

Will leak

And leave me behind

I know I am long forgotten

I know you won't hear my prayers

And if you do,

It will probably be too late

I wish I had it

That flame you seek for

I wanted to be your solution

I wanted you to think of me

And that it'd be so dirty

So deep dark into your soul

That you'd be terrified to tell me

I wanted you

To feel

Exactly how I feel

How I felt

When I once loved you

I crave myself

My long destroyed hope

Of an addictive future

I want

My memory of you

Printed over my eyes

I think of you,

Telepathically try to tell you

My secret

My self-centered dreams

My stained desires 

Of having you, for me only

But you won't hear

I guess

You won't read this letter

And you definitely 

Won't 

Love me back

Visit

I'm really fucking sad

And that doesn't bother me

In fact, it feels kinda cozy

Like a fresh blanket on a rainy day

I feel hopeless

Lonely

Yeah, I think that's the word

I feel sick

And I sense some PTSD tape

Playing in the back of my mind

I'm like, five

I don't wanna see you

I don't wanna go where you're going

I don't wanna smell your cigarette smoke

I'm terrified

I'm unsettled

By your distant presence

I once tried to rip off my wrist

Just so I could forget you

I don't want you

And I don't want to remember you exist

It's been a while

Since I realized

People poison me

9 out of 10 times

I rather kill myself at peace

Away from any influence

At least I would enjoy it

At least I would experience it

By myself

I don't wanna see you 

I don't wanna tell you I'm depressed

You should already know it

If I'm being honest

Why would you think any different?

Did you even meet me, for real?

I'm always lonely 

I'm trapped in a deep pit

I can only hear my own voice

And wish that I didn't have a body

Or memories

I don't want any company

You're overstaying your visit.

Unreal

I'm sick

I'm tired

I'm sad.

This is not a poem

But

I have the same voice tone

While I write this down

The same despair

To be felt

To be proven

A real

Thing

Mouth

Here I am

Thinking of hurting you

Just like the old times, I guess

Just like the old times, right?

Why did you use to love me?

How and so

If not because of my mind games

If not because you were

Entertained

At my messy videos

And my singing voice

Like a siren

Calling you to dive into me

"Never say forever"

I preach that,

Over my blindfolds

But I can hear your every move

Your every breath

And I know how easy it is 

To own you

I'm not so sure

If I'm safe enough

To keep this mouth shut

I got forty 

It's hard to keep track of everyone

And they seem to be hungry

Always hungry

For many many things

Hungry for candy,

For human sweetener

And oxytocin 

Hungry for power

For blood, scream, and violence

Hungry for sex

Vulnerable and dirty

Anthropophagic murder

Hungry for endings 

And beginnings

Of endless artistic pieces

Hungry for names

Like yours

And bodies

Like yours

And voices

Like 

Yours

I want to eat it all

Like a flame consuming

Oxygen

Burn you to the ground

Sniff your ashes

Lick and swallow

The dust that you'll become

I'm fantasizing

About your profound sadness

And loneliness 

About your disappearance 

The same way I take pleasure

Over my own shadow

I crave yours

Like the most tasteful of cakes

You take place

As my favorite gray dessert

The burnt one

The one that spoiled 

Three days ago

But I'll be sure 

To push it down my throat

Like a glass of water

Like my own saliva 

Like you're a piece of me

Four Walls Gambling

If I had a house

I'd piss on each and

every corner of it

Like a spraying cat

To show it is mine

If I had a house 

All my birbs would sleep

And live through my schedule

And with that

I wouldn't need friends anymore

If I had a house

I would DIY a bathtub

And drown all my bathroom tiles

And just live with the mold

If I had a house

I would keep my head safe

With well tied plastic bags

And no one to hear me scream

If I had a house

I would take slices of me

And keep my knives sharpened

And breathe only smoke

Before putting out my cigarettes

On my human skin ashtray

If I had a house 

I would spend whole weeks without eating

I would drink only water

And pass out

Several times a day

I would embrace the silence

Besides the birds yelling

And the chaos consuming me

Would feel as sweet as a grave

If I had a house

I would tear it down

I would live in disease

And rule daily games

With myself

Just to keep myself

Entertained 

If I had a house

I would be free to hate you

To hate them

And to 

Joyfully 

Hate myself