The fear, late and lost

I tried to be nice
Cuz she was strange
And seemed okay
Sometimes I forget
That I am scared
As a little fucking mouse
And I regret it
The very first moment
When I decided to talk to her
Now she won't go away
Like all the boys before
Or that little depressive whore
I was this person
But it's fine bcs I hate myself too

Anxiety
Depression, they say
Like it was normal
To feel quite empty
Or hyper full
In the same fucking hour
Like it was normal
To beg for my own sanity
Just during a college class
I am insane

I can't stand that thing
That pulse that compells me
To jump, jump
Or tear myself up
A little deeper, harder
I can't bare how exhausted it gets me
To wake up, up
Get out of bed every morning
For what?
I'm always lost
I'm always late

I'm trying trying
Not to repeat words
Or be sad again
Or freak out
Or hurt myself
Or being mean
If you know what I mean
I'm always bad anyway
Very selfish and so
I'm worthless
But I'd like to feel some joy
Why can I?
There are so many ugly people around
Being happy
With their violence, you know

I want something
Something from this world
I don't want to go away or give up
I don't want to feel like
Who I think I really am
I wanna be wrong about
All my negative words
I wanna be wrong about you
I want you to stay
With me
I don't want to be alone.