The most buttery I've ever cooked
I glue my lips on a rubber straw
In a caffeinated can
I drink one per day
Just like my mom taught me
With her eyes blurred
And sinking voice
I press my fingers against the board
Counting prices and hoping
For a money that did not yet fall
Onto my lap
Praying her to soon forget
Whatever way I'm about to fuck her
Once again
Just like my whole life,
I guess
I preach that guilt is the most useless feeling
You cannot do a thing with it
It's in the past: a place you cannot reach
But I guess it's easier
To blame her for all of her sins
To be an asshole over her being
And feel bad about it
'Cause I still will carry my benefits around
It used to be easier to cut myself
I have been thinking about it quite a lot
Because it used to pay for my existence
It's all I have to offer,
My pain and blood
My screwed up body
For their pleasure
It's what I have to give
To pay my debt
I don't remember how to speak my language
Or to use my birth-name
I don't remember how to walk down the streets
Of my past and future
Of my present
I don't know how to receive gifts
And be grateful for it
I'm not grateful for anything
Because it always has a price
It has been like that
Since I can remember
I survive on my own
A 60yo war
The screaming and threats
The humiliation
I survive my father and my 11years
I survive the fear
That cuts deeper than my panics
The dark fog
That poisons me at sleep
And behind my thoughts
What solves my entire knowledge
Of myself
I am alone,
I try to recite
I try to drink it
As a soda dose
Sugary, easy to sip
Being alone is all I know
Don't wait for anything different
My sugar's high and makes me sick
Nauseous, scared
I feel like I'm 3
But I'm 27
I cannot reach for a hand
I'm on my own
Maybe I shouldn't even be
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