Still Apologies

I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry friend,

But I had 

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry Fred,

I'm sorry Matt,

But I had

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry Pedro

Y Miguel,

But I had

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry Peter

And 

I'm sorry Dad,

I'm really sorry, but I had

To do my best

To keep myself alive

I feel like I abandoned 

My whole crew 

I'm sorry all my friends from school

But I knew I had

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry all the boyfriends

That I broke up with

And the way I blocked you

So that I could sleep

But I swear I had

To keep myself alive

I am so so sorry

For all that I did

For my absence and promises 

For making you believe in me

I'm sorry if I caused you any pain

But I would, and will do it again

And I am not ashamed

Because I did it

So that I could live,

And none of you

Would have helped me

Doing that. 

Gray, Yellow and Grief

I smell old cigarettes 

And taste trauma

A bug tries to crawl me

And I'm begging not to cry

'Cause I don't know if

I'm able to stop

I'm trying to figure out

Why do I always leave pieces of me

Hidden as a riddle's prize

As if my worst rival knew my address

And kept sending me those creepy gifts

From the past

I feel like I'm time traveling,

Again,

But it's not like I have a sense of time

And I don't even know who I'm talking to, but

They want me to know who they are

And I'm so tired of communicating 

I just need some time alone

I'm so exhausted

From this never ending party

From this restless gathering

I'm tired from being always the old one

The lonely one

The silent one

The one that has to shut them up

And give them a lap to cry on

I miss him,

Like I miss myself

Like I miss a sense of purpose

Or some reality version

To believe in

I miss him

Like I miss having parents

Or the one's I made up in my head

When I was 4 to 10

I miss the boy that I had faith in

Like a sort of Jesus Christ

To save me from my current hell

I miss him

Like I miss my hope and thoughts of happiness

Like I miss enjoying an egg shaped chocolate

At april

But in July

I miss him

Like I miss thinking Santa

Was a real figure

Like I miss believing that someone loved me enough

To pay me a visit

Just to leave presents

For me to open

I miss believing in a french toast

And decorating a christmas tree

Made of plastic, and love

I miss the smell of air conditioner 

That worked on water

While I slept on the floor

Over my mattress

With my blue blanket

And my naivety

I miss him

Like I miss a bird

Like I miss a lover

Like I miss my mom

Like I miss being loved

By someone

Or pretending to

And his empty image in my mind

His gray and yellow ghost

Is the only thing still keeping me alive.

Fertilizer

Silence haunts me

Like I'm a child

Who can only sleep

With the lights on

I feel nauseous,

Like I lost a battle

Like I lost the war

But how could I not

When I don't even know

What I'm fighting for

When I don't even know

Who I'm fighting with

I take a day off

Of my meds

Of myself

Of my whole body

I eat late

I sleep late

I can't close my eyes

I can't cook my meals

I can't clean my room

I can't change my sheets

My hands are hostages 

I'm locked in the basement

Because if I open the gates

She might come out

And if she does

We all know the whole house will fall apart

I feel the gaps

The shadow escaping through 

Under the door

I need to be shut down 

But the loneliness

And the lack of eyes above my head

Over my skin

The lack of sound

To ruin my eardrums

It all eats me up

Like I'm a piece of candy

I wanna puke it all out

But I'd probably die

She's like a cancer

Rotting my vitals

But if I take her off 

I can no longer function

I'd turn into dust

Dysphoria

I can't sleep

There's a baby crying

The women are fighting

I just need some peace

But I can't fucking have it

Feel like I'm losing my mind

It's just a monday night

Actually, it's 8am

The birds got tired to sing

Even they have something to do

With their useless lives

I wish I wasn't lost into that pit

They keep on yelling

Bossing me around

Write about it!

Keep your mouth shut!

I don't even know who I'm talking to

I wonder if I'm real

If I really have a face

Or if this body I'm possessing

It's a temporary vehicle

It's already fading away

And I can feel it

I've been eating 

Like a starving opossum

Like a mother

Like a pregnant woman,

Carrying babies in her oven

But I want to burn my babies alive

Or crush them like an olive

Make some olive oil

Rub it over my skin

To feel fresh 

I have been chaining her down

Deep, deep into my basement

My secret well

Where I keep all of my shadows

And leave some music on

To entertain them

She's still psychotic

If she goes out I'm dead

But I couldn't ask for help

I guess

This sounds exactly 

Like a delusional event

I guess I shouldn't have touched it

I shouldn't have opened my eyes

I shouldn't have opened my mouth 

My door, my heart, my soul

I shouldn't have let him in

Or offered a cup of coffee

I shouldn't have pulled the chair

For him to sit

And make me some company

I should have never spoke

To anyone again

They will drive me insane

I can only speak to the mirror

But she hates me

Detalhes Sórdidos

I jump into a black hole

Trying to avoid you

Any thoughts of you

Any thoughts at all

My whole skeleton aches

I've been lost in there

for 10 hours or more

My eye is twitching

My throat is dry

My heart jumps of a bridge 

With the sound of you

Texting me

Good morning

Using my full name

I yell back

Like I'm a child

You sound like a father

You always do

But I actually need a friend 

And you don't know how to be that

You're unaccessible 

Like an island

I scare you off

You really look like a cat

Meow meow, cheri

I'm about to bite you

You better run away indeed

If you wanna keep your tail

I hate all of my parents

I hate all dads and moms 

Around the world

I hate you too,

And you don't even have to be

Any of those

Deveriam ser Antipsicóticos

Não posso nem descrever

O tamanho da dor 

que você tem me causado

Eu costumava gostar de sentir dor

Não gosto mais

Queria me sentir confortável

Mas não me parece mais uma opção 

Se foi em algum momento

Você a roubou de mim

Roubou meu corpo de mim

Por favor, devolver ao remetente

Eu sei que você vai pensar que é brincadeira

Quer dizer, 

Pensaria, se fosse ler este texto

A minha malcriação e tudo mais

Mas eu tô cansada desse joguinho idiota

E talvez eu que tenha começado

Sinto muito

Não quero continuar

Eu não brinco quando eu falo de delírio

É tudo de verdade

Mas esse é justamente o ponto

Eu não sei mais em qual verdade devo confiar

Vou seguir a fechar meus olhos

Meus ouvidos

Meu espírito

Não sei como te enviar a mensagem

Mas espero que você desapareça da minha vida

Estão todos em pânico

Gritando pra você sair

Frigorífico

Você me põe no gelo

Como um boi fatiado no açougue

Você brinca comigo

Eu me sinto uma boneca de pano

Coberta de alfinetes por todo o corpo

Meus nervos entram em pane

Minha libido ferve

Minhas mãos tremem

Minhas pernas se contraem

Como tentassem entrar no meu quadril

Pra me diminuir 

Pra eu caber em você

No seu copo d'água,

Na sua colher de sobremesa

Na palma da sua mão

Eu fico esperando

Que você a feche

Que eu escorra como uma massa

Por entre teus dedos

Mas você me põe no freezer

Me manda esperar

E esperar

E esperar 

E tenta me agradar quando eu saio

Pra que eu permaneça fresca

Mas servida em cubos

Para fácil mastigação 

Eu tento ser boa 

Vermelha o suficiente

Doce, salgada, picante

Tento ser macia

E consumível

Como não fosse em essência um veneno

Como não quisesse de fato sê-lo

Como se, ao ter escolha, fosse escolher

Qualquer outra opção 

Se não intoxicá-lo

Eu brinco com a morte 

Eu brinco comigo mesma

No espelho,

Com as sombras que se camuflam

No escuro do meu quarto

Você me puxa, empurra

Me sova, como um pão

Mas eu sou feita de carne

Não dá pra me rasgar na mão

Você precisa de algo afiado

Uma katana pode funcionar

Vê, eu sigo te dando dicas

De como me desmoronar

Eu achei que tinha parado com isso

Eu também achei que eu tinha parado de fumar

Eu sou servida num prato grande

Marinada com nicotina e açúcar

Com pitadas de sal pra ressaltar o gosto

boys

So many things can happen on a friday night

The love of your life

Coming out of a rabbit hole

While you scratch your thighs, 

Like you're trying to get your skin off

An attempt to ground yourself

But reality slips through the crack

The guy that most recently stolen

Your miserable heart

Making the craziest proposal

You've ever heard

The baby inside you

Being completely covered

On caressing and kisses

All of it feels so weird

Sometimes I want to get, ahm

Just to relax

To let go of it all

So many things can happen on a friday night

A glass of white wine

A full pack of marlboro red

And the usual meal

Of your 14y self

She didn't have an option

But you do

You know more, you're a grown ass person now

So many things can happen on a friday night

To watch yourself yelling, masking

To a huge crowd

To notice another alien, tiny version

Staring at you and judging you, 

For being someone different 

Than who you truly are

But you don't even know how to be yourself

Psychotic breaks

What is it to be someone?

You enjoy poetry, and songs

Psychology,

And doing couple sessions

You remember that you're good at it

It's nice to have friends

But it's also nice to have boys

And to realize

How capable you are

Of noticing another human being

So many things can happen on a friday night

So many that you lose track of it

So many that saturday morning comes

And you still have no idea of where you are

Or were

What was the life you've been living

Was it all a lie?

So many things can happen

Beyond your control

That you cannot foresee

That you cannot reach

So many things indeed

And you cannot digest

You have such a tiny life

You're just a baby, girl

But you survived all of it

This is a miracle, don't you think?

0.25 mg

You got me tipping on my toes

And I adore it

You play with me, you give me presents

I worry about every sentence

You tell me to

"Trust daddy, here"

And I do, 

Oh, sweetie, I do

Even when you lie to me

And I know it

We always keep secrets

It's like you're edging me

And I guess it makes you

Way more entertaining 

Thank you, dear

Oh, the nicknames

You make me feel so safe

And still I'm shaking

I don't know what you're doing

But I want more

The tiny fucking dosage

To keep me hyped up

Yes, just keep it coming

I'll come back tomorrow

And the next morning

From friday night

To sunday's afternoon

I'll tell you

"Hey there, I missed you so"

It's been 3 hours

And you laugh at me

I love your smile

I don't know what love is

So I can't say I love you

I've been playing with fire

I think that I should tell you

But I don't 

Let the tension sit

I'll drink a glass of water

And think of you

You're currently my favorite book

And I drink it like a hot beverage

Higher Dosage

I didn't shower today

I tried to cum

She kinda forced me to do it

So she could call me dirty

He's here

And a voice yells

Into my fucking ears

I'm supposed to write about it

He seems normal

He seems boring

What the hell was I expecting?

I just wanted a huge fight

Something to fight for, whatever

God, how I miss fucking

But I'm scared I'll never stop

If I start it over

I don't think I can keep up

With my own pace

I have been having horny thoughts

About murder

So I hope you get what I mean

This is not safe

She calls me pathethic

She laughs at me

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I never get an answer

I mean,

Nothing different from the same one

A single sentence

I want to fucking kill you, make you suffer

And I try to please her

But it's not enough

I wonder how she handles the paradox

How would she keep me in pain

If my body was gone

But I heard rumors 

That a spirit can be tortured

So I guess that this might be her plan

What will be eternity 

If I never fight back?

But how can I fight her,

When everything I do is self-prophetic

I only do what she twists me into

I'm so confused

And tired

I need a way out

But I am it

I have no clue

Of what else could I ever become