Fertilizer

Silence haunts me

Like I'm a child

Who can only sleep

With the lights on

I feel nauseous,

Like I lost a battle

Like I lost the war

But how could I not

When I don't even know

What I'm fighting for

When I don't even know

Who I'm fighting with

I take a day off

Of my meds

Of myself

Of my whole body

I eat late

I sleep late

I can't close my eyes

I can't cook my meals

I can't clean my room

I can't change my sheets

My hands are hostages 

I'm locked in the basement

Because if I open the gates

She might come out

And if she does

We all know the whole house will fall apart

I feel the gaps

The shadow escaping through 

Under the door

I need to be shut down 

But the loneliness

And the lack of eyes above my head

Over my skin

The lack of sound

To ruin my eardrums

It all eats me up

Like I'm a piece of candy

I wanna puke it all out

But I'd probably die

She's like a cancer

Rotting my vitals

But if I take her off 

I can no longer function

I'd turn into dust