noisy cracks

Listening to 18+ music on repeat

Masking f'n hard as if my life depends on it

I think it does

Drowning deep into my own khaos, 

I was trying to hold myself on something

But the walls are slippery and slick

Gooey, spiky, abrasive

I get lost in my goddamn maze

As if I haven't been living in there since I was born

The noise blasting my ears so hard

I feel deaf if I turn it off

I'm sick of needing so many meds

To stay barely sane

I wish I had someone to do that for me

I'm chronically exhausted 

Trying to convince myself

Not to drown in pills and alcohol 

Or to open gaps over my skin

What the fuck am I doing

Skipping myself

Begging for a hell

More hellish than this one

Cuz I can't stand it

I can't stand the lack of meaning of it all

I feel like everyday

It's just a new chance for me to give it up

I stuff myself and wish

I was starving instead

I hurt my fingers distracted

How long have I been battling this endless war?

Somebody fucking help

I wanna follow her steps