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Progression

Before everything 

There once was a dot

Of the dot, became a seed

The seed became a hole.

The hole then grew

A shadow of a tree

For it was watered 

With the dripping of the clouds;

I digged a line

To find the juice

Nutrient, the milk of the green

The belly of the tree,

Of my sorrow grew the bones

And so did the wire,

And from the sun

The heat was built

And so the fired started;

When my eyes reached

What had become

I realized, I had to leave

But the more the light

The more the shadow;

And so only dark could have me sheltered

But from the dark I was afraid;

So I denied a dot.

And then the line.

And them the path into the woods.

At first I dove

Then I sank

Then I dried

And then was blinded

For there was no escape

For there was no solution.

But the dark is endless,

It grows into infinity

Perseveres, 

Immutable,

Unending,

Absolute, and omnipresent;

So I drew myself

A new pair of eyes

A new pair of glasses

A new window

And a new reality beyond it.

At first there was a dot,

Then a shadow,

Then a forest,

Then the depth,

And then

There was nothing.

There was once a pair of eyes

That multiplied into infinity 

For it was built for ending,

And reality was not;

I realized I was not supposed to see

For if I had never escaped

It would still be there,

But it would still be dark

And in the dark I cannot see.

I tried to make some peace

With the unknown

For the knowledge was impossible

Unbearable,

Paradoxical. 

And then I realized

At least

I was never really there

I was nowhere

I had never been.

I don't know whose tears are those

When I first told her, she cried.

It wasn't great, but I didn't tell her that.

I still don't know why she cried.

Her crying was so genuine, so profound 

I remember once again having to calm her down;

Having to comfort her.

Please, don't cry. It makes me sad.

I didn't have a chance to tell her how I felt.

I don't think it ever mattered.

How many times did she cry?

How many times did I have to hug her?

How many times did I cry on my own?

It hurts my eyes, the much I squeeze them

Trying to make the tears stop, so she won't see them.

Because if she does, I'll have to comfort her.

I cry, I have to comfort her.

Who will comfort me? 

Who will hug me?

Who will celebrate the fact that I'm alive?

I don't think I'm supposed to be alive.

Maybe this is why it hurts so much.

Maybe this is why I'm not allowed to be happy.

It's probably my fault,

For like, being born.

I owe it to her,

To make her life less painful

To make her mind less painful.

I killed her son.

I stole her career.

I ended her marriage;

I made her cry.

She told me she took some pills,

And that she stared deep at the sea.

He told me she jumped of a moving car,

And so did I.

I was afraid we were the same person

That she and I was one. 

I tried to cut us apart. 

She didn't react when I told her.

She yelled at me on the phone,

I was alone and terrified.

I was just a kid.

I hid my pain, I hid my tears,

I hid my friends, my mind, my life

She yelled at me, and threatened to hurt me

She threw a notebook on my face

I bled.

Go on and do it, she said.

I was thinking of ending it all.

She said "you'll kill it"

She said "you'll kill me"

And she told me to kill myself.

She was so sad, so so sad for me

For my pain, the one she was stealing from me.

I didn't ask to be born,

I didn't try to make her hate me;

I only wanted to be loved. I only wanted to have a mom.

For her to keep me safe.

I tried to save her; calm her down, lead her and

She said she didn't want to be helped

I couldn't force her to help herself

You're not a kid anymore, she said;

As if she didn't steal my childhood.

As if she hasn't been saying it to me since I was a kid.

I told her back. The exact same way; the exact same timing

I heard something shattering inside my heart.

It always happens when I say it back.

I don't think I deserve any love, any mercy

It doesn't hurt in me as much as it hurts for me to do it to her. 

She doesn't care.

She says I had it good.

I should be grateful.

I was loved.

At what cost?

Did she conveniently forget

That she used to pretend I wasn't in the same room as her?

That she would avoid eye contact at all costs,

As much as I do to strangers asking me for money on the street?

Did she forget she called me crying and I said she would be okay? 

Or that she blamed it on me that she was crying?

Did she forget about the notebook, about the car, about the threats, about the humiliation and punishment?

Did she forget about abandoning me, letting me be harassed and starving?

Did she forget she told me I was supposed to kill myself, 

And that she truly wanted me to?

Or that she didn't give a shit whether I'd slit my wrists or not?

You know I didn't mean to;

No I don't.

I didn't, I don't

I think you really meant it.

You want to kill yourself, and probably think this is on me.

Do you realize you've been telling me about you killing yourself for the last 20 years or more?

How many times did I say it back to you? 10? 5? In thirty years? You say it weekly.

You told me I would die because of you.

I barely believe in life anymore. 

I know that I should leave. I'm trying to.

I don't know how. 

You ruined me for the rest of my life. 

You had it good. Your childhood was great.

You loved every kid more than you loved me. My best friend, my neighbors, my unborn brother.

You loved my father, who hurt you, more than me. 

You don't say you love me, that you'll miss me, that I really make you feel anything good at all.

You say you'll be hurt if I leave.

That's not the same. You're already hurt. I didn't make that happen.

You say I will miss you. Never the other way around.

You didn't call me and said you missed me. You said I missed you. Or I didn't miss you.

I never ever mattered.

Now I don't know what love feels like.

I hate you.

I hate that I love you.

I hate that I don't know any different. 

I wish I was dead.

I wish you never made me alive. 

I know you two love me, but your love is not enough for me.

I want someone to know who I am.

Continental Drift

It's been six years, 

but I still miss him;

It's been eleven,

and I still talk about it;

It's one and twelve,

I'm still scared and crying;

30 years,

I regret coming;

It's been 18 years,

The tears are still an ocean, 

Isolating me in a tiny piece of land.

I feel guilty about giving up, but I don't really think I ever truly healed

Pedro Peter Pan

Peter, my Peter Pan

You made me so happy

When you took me to your land

My moss dress 

Matching your green shoes

The light, the bells

I do, I do

I do believe in you

Peter, Peter Pan, my Peter

The kid we would never have

The hope dancing in my mind

The white of that day,

The sparkling night, I fell in love with you

My walls vibration,

You said I was better than you.

You were the first to see

The real me.

Peter, my Peter Pan, Peter

I gave you the name 

She gave to him

It felt more right when it was you.

I painted you in neon colors

I drew your eyes,

And then burned the sheet.

Peten, Pan, my Pete

I know this isn't the last poem that I'll write you

I hope you belonged to me

At least for a little while

You gifted me what I wanted 

You made me real, by stepping into my land

And when it all crashed out, 

When you left me there

Lonely, by your side

My Pan, my Pan, my Peter

I found a sun, in feather

And hiddenly, I named him you

I gave my heart, it flew away with it

And I still hear it beating

3h33 am

All my tears, Pete

All my breaths,

And all my colors 

You're the only thing I ever loved

All I ever wanted

The wonder of my land

And the reason I wear black only

The reason all my paintings come in rainbows,

That everything I make

Is wet and dripping

That I've chosen to dive inside myself

Pan, Peter, my Pan 

I love you still, wherever you are

From the tip of my tongue

To my tainted fingers,

I hope you find me again,

One day. 

Amniotic

I'm not a fish,

But I belong to the water

As the fizz belongs to a soda

As sugar belongs to chocolate, as

A kid belongs to its mother 

I am not a kid, but I belong to the latter

And like cigs belong to a father,

To me belongs my neverborn brother

To whom I never hissed

Who I never kissed

Who I never missed

Nor wished to exist

I'm not a fish

Nor do I live in the water

But through the water I came

And from the water I am

And without me, she would have been another

Therefore to me, 

Also belongs the water

the neverborn

I think I loved him more

Than I ever loved myself

But maybe even so

In him I saw me too

In another name

In another brain

In another way

What I would have been

If I hadn't seen

If life had never really happened to me

I'm proud of you. I hope she will be proud of me too.