Qual um obituário

Que vida é essa que me tem

Que me sova

Que me rasga

Que me embebe

E que me enxágua

Que me recorta e assa

Que me queima as bordas

E me despeja na lata

Que sonho foi

Que um dia tive

De ver o dia brilhar

E à noite admirar estrelas

Que felicidade

Que um dia pensei que havia

Que haveria

E quem eu calculei que seria

Aos passos do calendário

Quando foi que tudo

Virou-se ao contrário

Que avesso ao qual

Eu mereço e pertenço

E quanto tempo

Eu ainda tenho

E quais pedaços

Ainda não perecem

Sob o sol e ar seco

Sob o mofo do meu teto

Quais palavras me restam

Para compor este texto

E quanta dor

Ainda me guarda

Para descartar-me aos poucos

Qual o último pedido

Que eu nem sequer faço

Se não que seja finito

Todo o céu e o fato:

Dezembro está por perto

É um péssimo retrato

Attachment

Are you my friend?

I'm scared to ask

I take you out

Inside my head

We go to a bar

Table and chairs outside

There's a guitar and a singer somewhere near

We ask for some french fries

I drink a can of guarana soda

And unrap a new pack of cigs

The night will take so long to end

Because my watch's not working

Dew covers us

I feel happy and fulfilled 

I take a blue pen out of my purse

Start making drawings on a napkin

I invite you to play some silly word game with me

And

And then

I lay my head over your arm

Like you're a hammock I just found

Sitting in the dark

Waiting to embrace me

I hear the sounds of the night

Either a beer or an ice cream

I love you and I feel the love

Through my body

Like something I consumed

I wanna sleep between your lungs

So I can hear your heartbeats

Like a lullaby 

I have to close my eyes

To appreciate the moment

But once I do

You disappear

Like a smell I recognize

But don't know where from

Therefore, I cannot name

I remember being happy

Through someone else

But now

Now I'm unplugged.

More Apologies

I'm sorry Jessie, 

and I'm sorry Pete

I'm sorry all the strangers 

That I dared to meet

I'm sorry Jay and

I'm sorry Marie

But I had to live

And silence has been my only true friend 

Now that I think of it

Day Out

It's been a couple months

And I forgot

About the spikes on my skin

About the soft spot on my back

That makes me crawl

About the soft spot on my heart

(That one was rough)

But then I got my ECT

Then they pinned me on a bed

(Not the way you thought)

Like a paper note on a corkboard

And it hurt like hell

But I kinda liked it

And then I got out 

In a light breeze,

And I got punched in the gut

Right on my biggest trauma

And even the panic state

I entered in that moment,

Pondering about

Taking my body to the 

middle of the street

(Waiting for a car strike)

And even my right knee

Giving signs of my white strands

It didn't hurt as half

As realizing

That knowing I'm loved

It's completely pointless

Outside the fantasy

Of being held on one's arms

Or being gently led

Into an extreme clímax

About falling apart

And having hands over my throat

And some soft talk

It doesn't matter

When any of that cannot be accomplished

I can feel my core

Getting empty and empty

Like a dehydrating plant

Forgotten in time

I can feel all my hopes leaking

Day by day, 

Going down the drain,

While I realize

Happiness is not an option

And will never be

I guess I'm lucky

If I don't starve to death

Due to the current circumstances

I'm doing my best 

to live another day

But I don't even want to

Still Apologies

I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry friend,

But I had 

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry Fred,

I'm sorry Matt,

But I had

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry Pedro

Y Miguel,

But I had

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry Peter

And 

I'm sorry Dad,

I'm really sorry, but I had

To do my best

To keep myself alive

I feel like I abandoned 

My whole crew 

I'm sorry to all my friends from school

But I knew

I had

To keep myself alive

I'm sorry all the boyfriends

That I broke up with

And the way I blocked you

So that I could sleep

But I swear I had

To keep myself alive

I am so so sorry

For all that I did

For my absence and promises 

For making you believe in me

I'm sorry if I caused you any pain

But I would, and will do it again

And I am not ashamed

Because I did it

So that I could live,

And none of you

Would have helped me

Doing that. 

Gray, Yellow and Grief

I smell old cigarettes 

And taste trauma

A bug tries to crawl me

And I'm begging not to cry

'Cause I don't know if

I'm able to stop

I'm trying to figure out

Why do I always leave pieces of me

Hidden as a riddle's prize

As if my worst rival knew my address

And kept sending me those creepy gifts

From the past

I feel like I'm time traveling,

Again,

But it's not like I have a sense of time

And I don't even know who I'm talking to, but

They want me to know who they are

And I'm so tired of communicating 

I just need some time alone

I'm so exhausted

From this never ending party

From this restless gathering

I'm tired from being always the old one

The lonely one

The silent one

The one that has to shut them up

And give them a lap to cry on

I miss him,

Like I miss myself

Like I miss a sense of purpose

Or some reality version

To believe in

I miss him

Like I miss having parents

Or the one's I made up in my head

When I was 4 to 10

I miss the boy that I had faith in

Like a sort of Jesus Christ

To save me from my current hell

I miss him

Like I miss my hope and thoughts of happiness

Like I miss enjoying an egg shaped chocolate

At april

But in July

I miss him

Like I miss thinking Santa

Was a real figure

Like I miss believing that someone loved me enough

To pay me a visit

Just to leave presents

For me to open

I miss believing in a french toast

And decorating a christmas tree

Made of plastic, and love

I miss the smell of air conditioner 

That worked on water

While I slept on the floor

Over my mattress

With my blue blanket

And my naivety

I miss him

Like I miss a bird

Like I miss a lover

Like I miss my mom

Like I miss being loved

By someone

Or pretending to

And his empty image in my mind

His gray and yellow ghost

Is the only thing still keeping me alive.

Fertilizer

Silence haunts me

Like I'm a child

Who can only sleep

With the lights on

I feel nauseous,

Like I lost a battle

Like I lost the war

But how could I not

When I don't even know

What I'm fighting for

When I don't even know

Who I'm fighting with

I take a day off

Of my meds

Of myself

Of my whole body

I eat late

I sleep late

I can't close my eyes

I can't cook my meals

I can't clean my room

I can't change my sheets

My hands are hostages 

I'm locked in the basement

Because if I open the gates

She might come out

And if she does

We all know the whole house will fall apart

I feel the gaps

The shadow escaping through 

Under the door

I need to be shut down 

But the loneliness

And the lack of eyes above my head

Over my skin

The lack of sound

To ruin my eardrums

It all eats me up

Like I'm a piece of candy

I wanna puke it all out

But I'd probably die

She's like a cancer

Rotting my vitals

But if I take her off 

I can no longer function

I'd turn into dust

Dysphoria

I can't sleep

There's a baby crying

The women are fighting

I just need some peace

But I can't fucking have it

Feel like I'm losing my mind

It's just a monday night

Actually, it's 8am

The birds got tired to sing

Even they have something to do

With their useless lives

I wish I wasn't lost into that pit

They keep on yelling

Bossing me around

Write about it!

Keep your mouth shut!

I don't even know who I'm talking to

I wonder if I'm real

If I really have a face

Or if this body I'm possessing

It's a temporary vehicle

It's already fading away

And I can feel it

I've been eating 

Like a starving opossum

Like a mother

Like a pregnant woman,

Carrying babies in her oven

But I want to burn my babies alive

Or crush them like an olive

Make some olive oil

Rub it over my skin

To feel fresh 

I have been chaining her down

Deep, deep into my basement

My secret well

Where I keep all of my shadows

And leave some music on

To entertain them

She's still psychotic

If she goes out I'm dead

But I couldn't ask for help

I guess

This sounds exactly 

Like a delusional event

I guess I shouldn't have touched it

I shouldn't have opened my eyes

I shouldn't have opened my mouth 

My door, my heart, my soul

I shouldn't have let him in

Or offered a cup of coffee

I shouldn't have pulled the chair

For him to sit

And make me some company

I should have never spoke

To anyone again

They will drive me insane

I can only speak to the mirror

But she hates me

Detalhes Sórdidos

I jump into a black hole

Trying to avoid you

Any thoughts of you

Any thoughts at all

My whole skeleton aches

I've been lost in there

for 10 hours or more

My eye is twitching

My throat is dry

My heart jumps of a bridge 

With the sound of you

Texting me

Good morning

Using my full name

I yell back

Like I'm a child

You sound like a father

You always do

But I actually need a friend 

And you don't know how to be that

You're unaccessible 

Like an island

I scare you off

You really look like a cat

Meow meow, cheri

I'm about to bite you

You better run away indeed

If you wanna keep your tail

I hate all of my parents

I hate all dads and moms 

Around the world

I hate you too,

And you don't even have to be

Any of those

Deveriam ser Antipsicóticos

Não posso nem descrever

O tamanho da dor 

que você tem me causado

Eu costumava gostar de sentir dor

Não gosto mais

Queria me sentir confortável

Mas não me parece mais uma opção 

Se foi em algum momento

Você a roubou de mim

Roubou meu corpo de mim

Por favor, devolver ao remetente

Eu sei que você vai pensar que é brincadeira

Quer dizer, 

Pensaria, se fosse ler este texto

A minha malcriação e tudo mais

Mas eu tô cansada desse joguinho idiota

E talvez eu que tenha começado

Sinto muito

Não quero continuar

Eu não brinco quando eu falo de delírio

É tudo de verdade

Mas esse é justamente o ponto

Eu não sei mais em qual verdade devo confiar

Vou seguir a fechar meus olhos

Meus ouvidos

Meu espírito

Não sei como te enviar a mensagem

Mas espero que você desapareça da minha vida

Estão todos em pânico

Gritando pra você sair