You made me hate all of my bits.
He made me hate my smell
And how hungry I felt,
Until starving felt correct
And eating was a privilege
I didn’t get to have.
You two made me hate my showers
And brushing my teeth.
And it seemed
Like the worse it felt,
The happier you'd be.
Neither took the time —
Or wasted it —
To teach me how to tolerate myself,
Or all the feelings that I held
Dead silent in my stomach,
Until I was no longer a person.
You made me hate my hair
And taught me that destroying it
Was for the best — except
If it was my idea,
Then it was trash.
I was trash.
You taught me that.
You never liked my colors,
Always despised my clothes —
Not because of them, but
Because I was dressing them.
And I was the ugly duck,
Even if I was the only duck.
Even so, you preferred him —
Who wasn’t there —
And ignored my every effort
To make you happy.
I was bad, evil, mean, whatever.
I didn’t stand a chance.
And still I loved you three.
He called me dumb
Uncountable times.
He never listened
Until I screamed —
And then you called me “too loud,”
As if you weren’t
Selfish, as if you weren’t
Abusive, as if
You didn’t shut me down
Or mock me since I was four,
As if you didn’t force me
To be more —
And try, and try,
Until I got sick.
Then you blamed me for being sick.
And when I hated myself,
And had spent twenty years
Fixing both of you,
You two smiled
And told me I was loved
Very, very much.
But you were thirty years late.
Now I hate you back.
