Tantalum Oxide

You saw on me a victim

That you could easily play

And that's how you win it, ain't it?

Saying exactly what you think

I don't expect to hear

You wanted to affect me

But I easily forget it

It was never you whom I cared about

And you knew it

I was only obsessed over 

the compliments you gave me

And you wanted me to be obsessed

Because it wasn't healthy

And you like it unhealthy

I know you do, you don't have to lie to me

I'm a human lie detector

But I quite enjoy a well played lie

A nice built-up fantasy

I know you like the love-bombing too

I am such a mirror, did you know?

Did you like that in me?

That I'd roleplay you, while we fuck?

Did you enjoy the time

You spent around yourself?

Before realizing you had dark secrets

Hidden in the back of your mind

That you despise?

I know you're not coming back

And if you do,

It's now too late

Your gameplay was quick

It got me bored

I'm not even scared, I'm just annoyed

I have one rule

An unbreakable one

You cannot leave me alone

'Cause if you do

I'll go back on mirroring myself

And I'll turn back into something

That you'd always hate

Because I'm not a meetable person

I live in a distant planet

You turned me into him

And all I did was use you to pretend

That I had forgotten

All the trauma that he caused me

But he was one of many

He is just a symbol

And so are you

And I am not a person

I'm an abstract perception of being

A blur in the space

A shadow

Something that your eyes

Would never comprehend

Words that your mouth

Could never pronounce 

I am too far beyond your reach

Inflammable

Safe and sound in the cold dark room

I hide under a blanket pretending

That I'm not underdressed

My burning captor, disguised under shadows

Waiting to hunt me,

Making his act, mocking my filthiness

He doesn't even know me

He doesn't even care

My sorrows,

My panics,

My broken minded kinks,

My twisted desires,

My loneliness,

The deep dark hole he left on my heart

And somewhere else

Where my "no" was swallowed

Like many many others

Of course he wasn't the first

I grew up being taught

How to dance to be a puppet

How would I fight back?

I belonged to him 

And still

Within all the rage

I have left in my heart

I still wish to be loved

Beyond the murder

And torture

That my bones nourish

And water

And I try to keep caged

But no longer wish to,

Beyond the fuck among my mess

The rock under the soil,

The petroleum

The magma that tights me up together 

My glue

Is the crave to still be loved

Not just a pleasure

A date

A kiss

A look

Love

Deep and unsimple

Death threatening

Joyful

Love.

Fire Pit

My room is a mess

My mind is a mess

My life is a mess

My heart is a mess

My mess belongs to you.

I feel withdrawal symptoms

And a voice inside my head

Whispers

That you're not coming back to me

Ever again

Not once more

I'm gonna see you

Your pretty hair

Your cute cheeks

I don't wanna loose you

But maybe that's how it's supposed to be

I don't recall being so stupid

So ignorant, so romantic

So pathetic and childish 

I don't recall being so easily violent

So controlling

But I guess this dirtyness lives in me

I am the monster's habitat

And to keep it warm,

I have to do some sacrifices 

Break a neck or two

Spread some blood on the floor

Explore the depths of the fall.

I love you.

I feel you far far far away from me.

And I'm terrified this will go away.

I need to stay.

I need to lay my soul on you

To even have a chance

To see the sun

To keep warm

In the freezing summer of this coast

When you're not here

I'm left alone

And it feels as bad as is good

When you slip through my ears

To caress my eardrums

I need to be yours

I crave it

I breathe you

All of my thoughts

Rest inside of you

I am your bed,

Your blanket

And the second between you try to stay awake

But fall apart over my arms

I am the electricity

On the point of your fingers

When you touch me

In the middle of the night

You are the blank page

Where I want to write the poems

I didn't write yet

I hope you never go.

Claustrophobia

I saw a dead fish on the sidewalk

No sea nearby

Maybe that's me without you

Maybe that's my future

Spread all over my face

A dry drown mermaid on the surface

Choked out of love

Once I heard that mermaids

had a frozen cold heart

Uncapable of love

So I guess I just miss the ocean

Because the further I get from it

The closer I get to the sun

And you're a catching fire soul

I might turn into ashes very soon.

Why would you ever love me?

Why would you listen to my sad pitch?

Why would you be attracted to anything

beyond by so fucked body?

Is it because I say I'm yours?

Have I provided enough proof yet

That I am not who you expect me to be?

Why do they think I'm chill?

I'm not chill. I'm a huge fucking mess.

I'm all over the place.

I slow talk, stutter, I never shut up,

And I don't know the words.

I don't understand you, cause I'm stupid,

And I'm so pathetic I just so hope 

you'll never want to harm me

Because you have all the means to do so.

Is that what love is?

Giving tools for someone to destroy your

miserable fucking life?

If so, I love you dearly;

I love you deeply;

It steals my oxygen;

It leaves me to dry die

On the sidewalk,

Far away from home.

I love you like a lifeless fish

That got kidnapped to become

someone's dinner

But fell on the concrete before

meeting its final purpose.

I love you like that.

Like all life have been sucked out of me

The moment you showed up

And I'm already dead

Because my heart only beats, 

When you're around.

You are my H2O.

Letter

You make me feel surreal

Synaesthetic

You make me lose my words

And blindly search for them

As if I've ever met those words before

I saw the glowing in your eyes

Or the brightness of your hair

Golden, dripping on my sight

Like a ray of sunshine

To clear up my day.

You make me terrified

Not to lose you,

But to love you

To feel you,

To know what happy really is

Because I never felt so close to it

I feel like about to combust

For landing over the sun

And this is such a precipitated trip

I don't wanna fall

But I also hope to not catch fire

Although, I might be already on fire

Just by now

You just didn't realize yet.

What if I know you

Really know you

Will it suffocate me?

I'm claustrophobic 

Did you know that?

Did you know my fav character is Alice?

How much do you know about me?

What if you love

Someone that doesn't exist?

I don't wanna disappoint you

I wanna be your battery

Your recharger

I wanna be the pillow

Where you lay your head to sleep

So I can feel your breathing

Because it brings me peace.

I wanna feel your smile,

Because I do not only see it

I never just see anything

I feel it in my nerves

I feel you in my guts

That you exist

That you're in the same island

That I've always lived in.

I don't know what love is.

It feels like such a burden

And I don't want you to carry any weight.

I am a heavy backpack to be taking

Here and there.

I don't wanna be a carpet where you put your trust

And suddenly slips on the floor

Giving you bruises

On such a beautiful pale skin,

You'd look so hurt with bruises,

I rather seeing you pink.

But I guess

For you to be pink,

For you to have such a smile,

For your heart to keep warm,

And I make sure you won't freeze

With the winter of your soul

The only way for me to do it

Is to be around.

Then I'll be around.

For as long as I'm able to.

For as long as you still want me to.

Because I want you to be happy too.

O Enforcado: Mary Ann

Desperto criança e me durmo mulher

Pensamentos intrusos me afogam

Tento enforcá-los de volta

No mel azedo da noite

Antes que minha mãe me tome meus doces

Ou que as ameaças dos balões se concretizem

Eles estão todos casados,

Em suas casas, com filhos,

Com trabalhos e vidas

E eu voltando pra essa caverna

Pra lutar com minhas sombras

E provar se Platão estava certo

O melhor momento do meu bolo vermelho

É a queimadura da fôrma

E parece que minhas raízes ainda moram nessa mesma terra

Que eu nunca aprendi a me mover

Mesmo não tendo razão para ficar

Estudo as cicatrizes desse chão,

As rachaduras nas paredes,

Conto os grãos de poeira acumulados,

Mas fecho os olhos para antigas peças

Talvez eu não queira montar esse quebra-cabeça

Talvez eu só queira seguir em frente

Mas essa corrente em meus tornozelos

Não me deixa

E o peso de arrastá-la retorce toda a minha coluna

Ela me trata uma idosa

Minhas piadas se tornam agora um pesadelo

E eu não sei qual deles é mais preocupante

Sinto que pereço a cada segundo

E o que me preocupa é desejá-lo

Reflito sobre decisões póstumas

Como fosse algo cotidiano

E tento me aceitar esse estranho alienígena

Que nasci sendo

Eu brinco com fogo

De novo e de novo

Quero encontrá-la,

Traçá-la,

Pintá-la, escrever seu fim

Ninguém fez jus à menina desde o início

Ela merece no mínimo isso,

Esse fechamento

Antes que cubram meu corpo

Tento consolá-la,

Acredito que ela tem estado só há muito tempo

Numa ilha remota, muito vazia e quieta

Mas nem sei se ela se lembra

Como se comunicar

Mary Ann, eu te amo,

Eu vim te buscar,

Pra irmos pra casa.

Você ficou presa lá, eu sei.

Mas não está mais, não está.

Sei que não temos casa,

Mas você vai morar comigo agora

Eu vou te guardar no peito, no centro

Da nossa grande casa,

E de todo coelho que aparecer

Eu vou te proteger.

Você existe, eu sinto você pulsando.

E nós vamos juntas embora,

Nem que seja embora pra nunca mais.